The Year of Our Lord, AD 2017 ~ In Retrospect

"I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill;
but time and chance happeneth to them all."
Ecclesiastes 9:11

(KJV)

As I contemplated the process of closing out yet another year of life,

I began to think of it as AD 2017, and I delved into the meaning of "AD".

This abbreviated term is often misinterpreted as "After Death" of Jesus Christ,

but, in actuality, "AD" means "anno Domini" and the full phrase translates,

"in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ".

Source

I'll be honest.

2017 has been really hard.

Beyond difficult.

I think it is safe to say that the amount of worry I have carried and the tears I have cried this year 

far surpass a lot of other years of living combined.

It started on January 1st...the very first day of this year, 

when my niece, Kristen, who was expecting her first child, collapsed in the Emergency Room,

only to find out that she had a blood clot in her lung.

What followed was an intense urgency placed upon my heart to personally pray her and her unborn baby through the pregnancy and delivery.

It was something that I could not shake off or dismiss, because Kristen is, and always has been, 

very near and dear to my heart.

Though I knew I had no control over any part of the outcome of her ordeal,

I was bound and determined to do all I could to move God on His throne on behalf of her and her unborn baby boy, often asking you, dear friends, to join with me in fervent prayer.

(Which, by the way, you were ever so faithful to do, and I am eternally grateful for you.)
The outcome God permitted was a definite response to the many prayers prayed.
More about the little miracle guy and pictures later.😃

During the time of Kristen's trials, several other extenuating circumstances began to arise,

that required more of me than I felt I could even begin to give.

Time after time, I have been forced way past what I thought were my "limits".

God stretched me in so many ways this year, I realized my "limits" were just points the flesh part of me never wanted to have to go past or deal with.

As much as I did not want to walk past those points, God had other plans, 

and each time He forced me forward into places I did not want to go, it became evident that I was not walking at all, but being carried by arms that refuse to let go.

I know it sounds insane, but the only way I know to describe the way I have felt, at times this year, is that it was like I was having an out of body experience.

It was almost like it wasn't even me....going through the motions, stumbling along, doing what was required on automatic pilot, completely numb and void of feeling.

We end this year much different than we started.

Kevin no longer has an earthly father.

It is a hard thing to watch the effects and depths of his grieving this first Christmas/holiday season without his Dad.
His Mom's struggles remain and loom enormous after a horrific car wreck, in which she totally lost control, hit a rock wall, fractured her neck, and mangled her right arm.
Aunt Vaida's lung cancer is back, and she continues to fight this awful disease.

All three of my dear sisters stand in the face of severe testing...
one, still reeling in the aftermath and ongoing chaos from her home's direct hit from Hurricane Irma,

one, whose whole world was turned completely upside down when her husband, LD, passed away just four days ago...none of us can believe he is gone...the grief is so raw and near-unbearable,

and, one, who continues to suffer from complications after surgery this year.
My cousin, Danny, and his wife, Vickie, both died within eight hours of each other.
Another cousin, Billy, lost his only son, Chris, during 2017.
Our dear, precious family dog, Paige, passed away after suffering terribly.
We will never, ever forget her.

There are a host of other personal things...things that have shaken us to the core and come close to knocking us off our feet this year.
Our future feels very shaky and uncertain heading into 2018.
Things we counted on to be there, can be counted on no longer.
So many chapters closed...so many heartaches and changes...seeming to come from so many angles.

Someone said it is a compliment when God allows extreme anguish.

That satan fights hardest against those he considers a threat.

That God entrusts hard things to those He can trust the most.

I'll be honest.

None of this feels like a compliment.

It feels like way too much at one time.

More than once, I have said, "I can't take anymore".

More than once, God has proven that when I can't go another step, He is strong enough to pick me up and carry me...issues, hang-ups, burdens, included.

I started this post talking about this being AD 2017, the year of our Lord Jesus Christ.

As we wrap up this beyond-difficult year, the point God is trying to get across to me is that
the year 2017, along with every other year of life, was His...to do with as He chose.
To order, direct, orchestrate, and allow every detail, according to a plan that is so far above anything I can comprehend.

The moments, hours, days, months, and years are His.

Psalm 31:15 says, 

"My times are in Thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me."

It is not for me to dictate when and how things occur in this life.

I have NO control over anything at all.

There is a "fullness of time" for every event that happens to each and every one of us.

"That in the dispensation of the fullness of times He might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven, and which are on earth; even in Him..."
Ephesians 1:10

"But when the fullness of the time was come, God sent forth His Son, made of a woman, made under the law..."
Galatians 4:4

We can't rush, nor delay the things that God reserves unto Himself.

If I had my way, none of my loved ones would ever suffer, and I would never be separated from any of them through death.

They would all live to a ripe, old age, in well, healthy bodies, and I would spend every possible moment with them.

Accidents would never happen.
Phone calls that bear bad, shocking, shake-you-to-the-core news would never occur.

All would be well.

Always.

I don't always get my way.

That is a fact of this life, and the sooner I accept it, the easier it will be to navigate through all of the things that are "not my will".

We live in a fallen world, so far inferior to the home Jesus has gone to prepare for us.
As long as we are here, there will be many things to endure.

Jesus said,
"These things I have spoken unto you, that in Me ye might have peace. 
In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

None of us are exempt from the human condition.

"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for He maketh His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
Matthew 5:45

At the end of this year, our hearts are broken shattered.
LD's passing left my family and me completely stunned, and my tears flow like a river.
We all had so much faith for his earthly, physical healing, and when it didn't happen the way we wanted it to, we are left reeling from the shock.
I'm not even going to pretend that I come close to understanding why God took LD right now.
We will miss him forever, and the hurt is going to linger for a long, long time.
He was such a strong, necessary part of our family, and there is just this big, deep void now.
There are no words.

As we mourn and pass through this season of enormous grief,
there is a bright spot that illuminates all of our hearts and souls.
His name is Eli, and, as promised, here is a picture of the little guy.

I love this picture! 

He was looking up at the Christmas lights.

And, in this one, it looks like he is ready to take on the world!

Isn't he a dollbaby?

An aunt has the right to brag, you know.

To God be all glory for the amazing gift of little Eli!

He is our symbol of hope, in the midst of so much darkness and pain.

We suffered deep, deep losses this year, but God sent a precious angel to earth to show us that life must go on, in spite of all.

It sort of reminds me of the year 2000, in some ways.
God took my dear Dad to Heaven in June, but He sent us precious Zachary in December.

It's hard to say this, but "the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:21

To each of you faithful, precious readers and friends, I say,
Happy New Year!
May God bless each of you in a special way every, single day of 2018.

I end this final post of 2017 with five of the songs that have helped sustain me countless times.
They truly express how I feel right now.

I'll Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns

Even If - Mercy Me

Shoulders - For King and Country

I Will Trust In You - Lauren Daigle

Thy Will - Hillary Scott